on repeat by Sydney Moses

All of these thoughts make me feel like an idiot
Why am I like this? Why am I so obsessive? 
I am not my ocd, that is what I tell myself, but I can’t help feeling like I am lying to myself

Why did he lead me on? Is this what life is going to be like forever? 
Endless re-living the same moments and changing them so much 
that I lose touch with what is real and what is not

All of my memories a
re false. 
I have no real life. I am not who I say I am. I am a liar. I am a cheat. 
I am not a life saver. I am a life ruiner. I ruined my own life. I ruined his life. 

ocd. ocd. ocd. Over and over and over again on CD. 

I confuse myself. I lie to myself. 
I lie to the whole entire fucking world and present myself as somebody I want to be, 
but I’m not even good at that. 
The girl the world sees is not who I want to be. 
But who I really am is not who I want the world to see. Is there no in between? 

Who is she? Who is that girl? Faceless, bodiless, too much body all at once. That must be it. 

The impossible imperfect standard that I set for myself and can never reach 
because when I climb the ladder to the top of my heart I always trip. 
The rungs break. I try to climb a ladder with no rungs. 
I make things hard for myself on purpose. I victimize myself. I am a mess. I am horrible. 

I am a cumulation of every thought that I have ever thunk and everything that I have ever seen. 
I try to emulate that which I view as perfect, none of which is really me. 
She is a lie lie lie lie liar. She is a bitch. She is not who she says she is. 

DO NOT TRUST HER> DO NOT TRUST ME> I AM A LIAR> 
no no no. I’m not a liar. Why would I lie to the boy that I love? 
I would not. You are lying. You are a liar too. 
We are both liars and that is why we are meant to be together. 
Except you aren’t looking for me right now. You are looking right past me. Right through me. 
I am invisible and yet all too much all at once.

Sydney Moses is a sophomore at Beloit College where she is pursuing a double major in anthropology and creative writing. She has been writing her whole life and hopes to publish books in the future and become an English teacher. Sydney’s work has been published in Parakeet. You can find her on Twitter @sydneym_okay

Photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash